is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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