I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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