tell your sister to shave her snatch
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
