oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
