wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize