I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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