I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
