Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
