I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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