This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼‍♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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