If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
