Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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