Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
