The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
