I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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