Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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