He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My liver just had a heart attack.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
