I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
