Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
