I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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