I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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