Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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