I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
