I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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