Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
