I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We left the knife in your bed.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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