It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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