you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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