the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
