Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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