I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize
