highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
