Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
