i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
