Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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