this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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