Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
