I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
