Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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