Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
