i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize