Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
