its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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