I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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