Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
