Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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