If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
