My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
