My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
