they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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