what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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