My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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