OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
