one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Randomize