when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
