All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
