the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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