He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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