Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize