Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
