All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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