some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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