2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
