im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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