I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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